"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet regardless of time, place or circumstance.The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break." -Chinese proverb

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Adoption's not always pretty

I accidentally published this post for a few hours while I was still working on it the other day so if you read it then...oops, sorry!  :-)

I think that people want to hear that adoption is a "happily ever after" type of story but it's not.  It's hard.  Really hard.  Adopting a toddler from an orphanage isn't always pretty.  There are times that something clicks and you figure out why Liana acts the way she acts and a piece fits into the puzzle of Liana's past.  Sometimes I get angry as I figure out some things that must have gone on in the orphanage.  It's exciting to see your child have a wonderful growth spurt when you bring them home or suddenly start sprouting a ton of hair to fill in her sad little head of hair but it also makes it obvious what a lack of nutrition she had.  It's great to see her learn how to eat...or even just chew so quickly but it's sickening to know that at 2 years old, she hadn't already learned this.  We were told in our first information about Liana that she sucks a finger or fingers (it was unspecific) but we never saw her doing this, at first.  We noticed her sucking her lower lip for comfort at times and I wondered if the nannies forced her to stop sucking her finger.  I think that I must have been right because I noticed her testing out sucking her index finger one day while watching me from the corner of her eye a bit nervously.  I noticed and told her that it's okay to suck her finger and then I popped mine in my mouth to show her.  She giggled and I see her doing it more and more.  I know, this may horrify some moms who are against thumb or finger sucking but I just think how sad it is that this poor little girl wasn't even allowed to comfort herself in one of the few ways that she could while in the orphanage.  I was a little "Linus" as a child and sucked my thumb, while toting my blankie with me everywhere so I'm perfectly fine with Liana being a "Linus" too.  They were not allowed stuffed animals or special blankies and we were even told on her Gotcha Day that she was afraid of stuffed animals.  Well, that very day, she met her Lambie lovey that is her bestest buddy who she always sleeps with and likes to bring wherever we go.  I don't know why they said she was afraid of them.  She loves her stuffed animals and sleeps with a bunch.  I have also noticed that she covers her face with her Lambie or a blanket when she sleeps.  She sleeps well now but we've gone through a lot to get there and when I see her sleeping that way, I wonder what she might be afraid of. 

The honeymoon is fading fast with Liana.  She is still such a wonderful little girl but we knew that what we were seeing in her super obedient behavior was not normal and it's a positive thing to see her becoming a more typical toddler.  We noticed fear behind her obedience to us that we did not like.  She has always had a little sass to her but now she's showing more tantrums and just typical 2 year old defiance.  As a mom of another two year old, who is, shall we say "spirited", I felt like wow, this child is just so good!  I really wanted to believe that and I do think that is true, to an extent.  I think Liana is just a more laid back child who would prefer to listen and do what we ask.  But no child is perfect and she was just a little too perfect.  I see her getting more comfortable with us and trusting us more and with that, she is showing us what's really going on inside.  She throws tantrums, she juts her chin out at us and says, "uh-uh", she does sneaky things behind our backs that she knows she's not supposed to do, she takes things of Ethan's from him and then screams when he grabs them back.  This is a good thing...sort of.  It's so great to see that she's opening up to us but it's also hard.  I know...suck it up.  That's what I feel like people think sometimes.  I told a friend during one of my low points the other day that she is always throwing tantrums at us and just being terrible for Erik when it's his turn to put her to bed or change her clothes and she reacted like she was disappointed in me for being frustrated.  Like I'm not supposed to struggle.  I feel like people think I'm supposed to just feel happy and blessed all the time to have Liana home.  I am blessed but I can't say that I feel happy when she screams and acts like I'm abusing her simply because I grabbed her hand to lead her somewhere.  I don't enjoy the looks that other people give me who don't know and clearly wonder what our situation is when she's screaming like that.  Is that her child?  Yes, she's my child and I wouldn't necessarily receive those same judgmental looks from people if it was Ethan, who looks like me, throwing a fit like that.  I don't appreciate people expecting her to be an angel just because she looks like it.  Something that we know about Liana is that she learned how to manipulate in the orphanage.  She can be extremely charming and give you a bright smile while ignoring you when you've just told her no.  She can lower her head and look up at you with puppy dog eyes when you aren't happy with something she's doing and then that "sad" look can instantly disappear if she gets the reaction she was looking for.  She can be wailing like she'll never stop but stop on a dime if you threaten to put her in timeout.  It's hard.  Really, really hard.  The thing about parenting a two year old that you just adopted that can make it tougher than a biological child is, you don't know what's behind some of the things she does.  With Ethan, I know how to handle most situations with him because I know that boy inside and out.  He's dramatic and sensitive and he wants what he wants when he wants it.  But I know how to deal with him in those tough times.  I can't say the same with Liana.  I'm learning more every day but it's hard when you don't know where it's coming from.  She's changing all the time and is unpredictable at this point so I don't always know what will set her off or calm her down.  Most of the time, I can handle what she throws at me but there are some behaviors that are just...tough. 

Others may not see the sides to Liana that are hard to deal with because she's a charmer so they don't understand that it's not all rainbows and lollipops.  It's my fault too.  When people ask about her, I pretty much give the usual, "She's doing great/adjusting so well" response because she mostly is.  But it's also hard to explain why things can be so difficult and I usually just don't want to get into it.  I also just feel like some of it is nobody's business but ours and those things, I will keep to myself.  But recently, I have felt the need to open up about our some of our struggles so that others don't think that it's perfect all of the time.  We love this beautiful little girl so, so much and we are so happy that God chose us to be her forever family but I'm still learning and she is too.  She's learning what family means.  I'm so glad that she feels comfortable enough with us now to show us that she's struggling.  I just hope that we can figure out how to teach her that we're here for her always and  no matter what.  It will happen.  It's just a matter of time, right?

Look at this little stinker with her "sad" face!

Liana and her beloved, Lambie

Precious girl

1 comment:

  1. Whew! Parenthood is enough of a challenge when you know your child inside and out (some you never do, really), but that really is compounded by the two year mystery of an adoption! I think you are doing remarkably well with that darling little puzzler! You were wise enough to read everything you could get your hands on, (and still do, I'm sure), to help prepare for a different mothering experience. I think you have to become rather thick-skinned when it comes to other peoples reactions, and seeming judgement. They don't know the circumstancess, or your child, so they can't possibly understand. You know you are parenting to the best of your ability (and doing beautifully, by the way), so ignor the ignorance. Liana will do you proud, as will Ella and Ethan. Childhood is just that, and while you're figuring each other out, you are becoming her loving parents more every day. She is just as blessed to have you as you are to have her. You all are such a source of pride and joy to your Mom and Dad. Our prayers are always with you, Mom